Something happened...

943837_10206003959921371_4140789191232013763_nLast night something I could not foresee or predict happened. One of the characters, Cera started writing her own dialogue. It was like experiencing it or finding it where it was left to be discovered. All of my characters talk smack, but last night Cera took over the second to last page. She changed how I drew it, she changed what she said from the script. She decided to bring in my father.

She boldly name dropped Pitbull Jim. I was not ready for that.

But...

Cera didn't give a F@#$

Cera.5x8Sometimes when someone you love has passed you have these moments where they are not gone. At first they hurt so much, so badly its like a knife twisting in an open wound.

Eventually you realize that this is not the way it was meant to be, eventually it changes and other things happen. I had no intention in putting Dad into the book yet. I honestly was scared to do so. Once it is in there I can not take it back. My father being alive in the book was something I was not sure how to approach. Especially how to introduce him.

Well... Cera didnt give a F@#$ about what I was so anxious about.

She decided he was going to be mentioned. That it was time for her father to live again, and that my hesitancy is my problem not hers.

Eaters of the dead:

The only Damage inc. member  awake last night was Kender. We chatted last night after I was done. He's got these new amazing figures from Wormahordes he was working on. When I told him what was happening he recalled something dear to me I had forgotten for years. It felt like he had been waiting to tell it to me when I was ready to hear it in the right context about my father.

"Lo there do I see my father; Lo there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers; Lo there do I see the line of my people, back to the beginning. Lo, they do call me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave may live forever."

I loved that book. I read it a long time ago. It's actually the only written record of viking culture (outside of epic poetry). It had been translated and studied by Michael Crighton before it was a movie called 13th Warrior. There are characters in there like Herger and Buliwyf that I identify with. Kender even rocked a character for years based on Buliwyf. In many ways he reminded my of my father. He was a mix of Herger and Buliwyf.

Death of Buliwyf

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There is a scene at the end of the film that was important. I had not thought of in so long. Kender reminded me that in my grief I had forgotten something special. Something I could do for my dad in a way few people could. Buliwyf their leader, who very much deserves to be one, was dying from poison.

Buliwyf: I have only these hands. I will die a pauper.

King Hrothgar: You will be buried as a king.

Buliwyf: A man might be thought wealthy if someone were to... draw the story of his deeds. That they may be remembered.

Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan: Such a man might be thought wealthy indeed.

Burying my Father.

Last year Lonny (Cuda) dropped a tale in my lap that made me realize Storytellers have the power to change the the world and make it right. Cera decided it was time and that I had to face it. Kender put it into perspective in a way I didn't anticipate. I have felt so guilty that I could not save him for so long. (Though its gotten better since the first issue of Damage made print.) Its colored my life, my kids, and my professional life. I can honestly say despite knowing otherwise that I feel like I failed my father.

I know this is not true, and I know its actually the other way around, but it was how I felt.

Perhaps now I can can do whats right. I can change that he died a pauper. Perhaps now I get to bury him as a King.