Confidence…what a loaded word. For a time in the past I was riding a wave of unstoppableness. That was a few years ago. I was working a job I am good at but loathed, I accomplished some very amazing things. However the wave ended in a cluster of chaos and pain. I lost both my parents, and grandfathers, took a massive blow to my other career, and became lost without realizing it.

Interesting being lost… You can’t stay calm, and you can’t make decisions. Everything seems to make you afraid every thing feels like you made the wrong decision. You spend a lot of time remembering the past and hiding from the possible futures.

I didn’t like it.

Recently I found myself cracking… This is important you have to crack to see how bad you are broken. I thought I could stay strong through my cancer, keep it up through loosing my family, but there were things I didn’t expect. I didn’t expect , the immortal Dad who was sick for 2 decades to surprise me when he died. I didn’t expect that in loosing him I would get creeping grief. I thought the expectation would impact the grief.

Loosing your hero despite the situation or timing is emasculating.

 

I say all this because I am finding some hind sight. Some one, no every one helped me wake up. My daughter, my son, my wife, my brothers…. They all helped me wake up. ¬†Yesterday I did 73 storyboards on my best gig so far. I am working on my first solo issue for a great writer. I have a possible graphic novel lining up with some one I have partnered with, and one Damage Inc. anthology is done and another I am working on….

 

I am more awake than in the last 5 years…